RECORD OF AWAKENINGS
SEPTEMBER 1, 2019
i wish i could just hide myself away from any and all who know me. i
wish i could hide myself out of sheer embarrassment
of the person that i am; just an incomplete, pointless, disappointing being who
doesn’t belong even in the slightest. one who is granted nothing but
scraps and the worst and last option of every situation, dealt
the worst hands. it seems i’ve thought my way out of the safe
limits of human thought and into territory that brings emptiness and misery. and
here i thought that thinking this far would create an enlightened
being who was not afraid of the Everything... all it’s done is
create somebody who can no longer function in a life suited only for
those who stay within the safe limits of thought. it created somebody
who craves and craves and desires escape yet fears everything from the
trivialities to the most important aspects of the universe. constantly shying
away. can’t do anything right. don’t want to do anything right.
i can’t even begin to explain to you how difficult it is to live with myself, to
possess this mind. just constant paradoxes and cognitive dissonance
and layer upon layer upon layer of issues that seemingly
cannot be solved without giving up some sort of integrity. not
fair not fair not fair to have to live like this!!!!! it’s
not fucking fair to have to be alive like this. it’s too
late to go back to ever living a simple life, nor would i even
want to. there is no way to think backwards, it’s already done. fate
decided to give me this life full of these non-human feelings and thoughts
and should expect nothing less than self destruction. what more
could you possibly fucking expect - you give me this life
and you want me to keep going? to keep living in this society that i’ve
already figured out and that i hate with all my heart?
JAN 24 2024
I'm going to be honest, i've come to the realization that life is going to be one hard long road to live. It's going to be messy and it's going to be sad. I don't want to be known and I don't want to live with the need for everyones approval to deem what I'm doing everyday as worthy. I'm going to live life by my rules and with my approval. I'm going to travel the world and I dont even need the world to know I am to be happy, because what matters is that I'm there in a moment I'll never get back and thats all that matters to me. That I live a life so full that when it comes time to die I can do so without saying "I never got to do anything." Some people dont think their worthy of new experiences, well I'm sorry but I do. Happiness is a choice and I'm picking it. One day this laptop and the internet wont exist, everything will be dust and rubble so why waste the time you've been given worrying, caring about anyones opinions but yourself and live independently like nothings holding you down. Your acting like a lion in a zoo but your free and this is the only life your gonna remember so live it to the fullest.
go back home