RECORD OF AWAKENINGS
SEPTEMBER 1, 2019
i wish i could just hide myself away from any and all who know me. i
wish i could hide myself out of sheer embarrassment
of the person that i am, just an incomplete being who
doesn’t belong even in the slightest. one who is granted nothing but
numb, emotionless torment.
it seems i’ve thought my way out of the safe
limits of human thought and into territory that brings emptiness and misery. and
here i thought that thinking this far would create an enlightened
being who was not afraid... all it’s done is
create somebody who can no longer function in a life suited only for
those who stay within the safe limits of thought. it created somebody
who craves and craves and desires escape yet fears everything from the
trivialities to the most important aspects of the universe. constantly shying
away. can’t do anything right. don’t want to do anything right.
i can’t even begin to explain to you how difficult it is to
possess this mind. just constant paradoxes and cognitive dissonance
and layer upon layer upon layer of issues that seemingly
cannot be solved without giving up some sort of integrity. not
fair not fair not fair to have to live like this!!!!! it’s
not fucking fair. it’s too
late to go back to ever living a simple life, nor would i even
want to. there is no way to think backwards, it’s already done. fate
decided to give me this life full of these non-human feelings and thoughts
and should expect nothing less than self destruction.
to keep living in this society that i’ve
already figured out and that i hate with all my heart?
(if you couldn't tell I was a depressed angsty teenager.)
go back home